You may have experienced being too harsh on yourself in times of failings or overmagnifying mistakes like it’s the only thing that matters. Along the lines, you may have experienced moving past our mistakes and treating them as a form of liability is the only way out. In these moments, you might ask yourself: “Will self-compassion make me lazy?”
For many, negative self-talk is a form of coping. After all, the Philippine culture and community we’re in has collectively enmeshed us into thinking that endurance is the only resolution to life’s struggles, teaching us resilience. At the same time, this form of resilience can become a double-edged sword. When endurance is emphasized without space for emotional attunement or self-soothing, individuals may learn to suppress distress, minimize vulnerability, and internalize suffering as a personal responsibility 1. In return, kindness toward the self may feel unfamiliar, or even undeserved.
If intuitively, this is your first response loop, you may be experiencing more than simple negative thinking. You may be encountering your inner critic.
How the Inner Critic Functions
The inner critic is more than your immediate thoughts and most of the time, it may not be your enemy but rather, your protector, an adaptive response you’ve grown to have. It is suggested that the inner critic tends to lock someone in a cycle of self-criticism as a way to prevent further emotional suffering or even abuse in response to a need to create self-protection 2 3. In this way, self-criticism becomes a strategy for managing perceived threats to belonging or safety to gain emotional equilibrium by adjusting what a person may consider is not accepted, approved, or loveable 3.
If the inner critic developed to protect you, it makes sense that responding with self-compassion can initially feel unsafe, indulgent, or ineffective. For individuals who have relied on self-criticism to regulate emotions or avoid rejection, kindness toward the self may feel like a loss of control rather than a source of support.
This is why many people find themselves asking, “Why can’t I just be kinder to myself?” The difficulty lies not in a lack of willpower, but in the fact that the inner critic has been performing a regulatory function for a long time.
Should You Wrestle Your Inner Critic?
Rather than wrestling with the inner critic, healing involves learning how to relate to it, acknowledging its presence, understanding its function, and gradually increasing tolerance for imperfection. Change does not occur by silencing the critic, but by altering the internal conditions that keep it activated. Self-compassion plays a key regulatory role in this process.
Self-compassion is not simply being “nice” to oneself. It is defined as the capacity to respond to personal difficulty with awareness, understanding, and care rather than judgment 4. Psychologically, it allows individuals to recognize struggle without minimizing it, while also situating failure within the broader context of shared human experience. This prevents mistakes from escalating into shame or self-attack.
Unlike self-esteem which is often contingent on success or comparison, self-compassion provides emotional stability during moments of failure. Because it does not require performance to access care, it directly counteracts the mechanisms that sustain chronic self-criticism.
Are You Letting Yourself Off the Hook?
A common concern is that self-compassion undermines accountability or motivation. Research suggests the opposite. Self-compassion creates a safe, nonjudgmental internal context in which individuals can acknowledge shortcomings while remaining engaged in self-improvement 5. By reducing threat responses, it buffers against failure and supports resilience.
From this perspective, growth does not require harsher self-judgment. It needs an internal environment where learning is possible. When errors are no longer interpreted as evidence of personal defect, the inner critic loses its dominance. What emerges instead is a more stable form of resilience, grounded in reality, emotional regulation, and shared human experience.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
At Inner Peace PH, we believe that lasting peace begins with self-understanding and gentle compassion.
We’re committed to creating spaces where conversations like this feel safe, supportive, and deeply human.
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References
[1] Campos, B., Ullman, J. B., Aguilera, A., & Dunkel Schetter, C. (2014). Familism and psychological health: the intervening role of closeness and social support. Cultural diversity & ethnic minority psychology, 20(2), 191.
[2] Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2005). Focused therapies and compassionate mind training for shame and self-attacking. In P. Gilbert (Ed.), Compassion (pp. 263–325). Routledge. https://doi.org/ 10.4324/9780203003459-15
[3] Pearson, M., & Wilson, H. (2024). Guiding clients towards self-kindness and acceptance: Wrestling with the inner critic. Psychotherapy and Counselling Journal of Australia, 12(2).
[4] Neff, K. D. (2011). Self‐compassion, self‐esteem, and well‐being. Social and personality psychology compass, 5(1), 1-12.
[5] Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation.
